June 2nd, 2006


Just a very round peg in a very square hole

A few weeks ago, I discussed the mysterious e-mails that have been cropping up lately, soliciting my interest in paying to have my bust and penis size increased, among other things. Well, another one arrived today. The subject line read, “Be ready to show off that bikini bod this summer.” I must once again respond.

To begin with, long before this e-mail arrived, I looked myself up and down in a mirror and decided to go with a demure one-piece suit this year. I have nothing at all against bikinis, but I think one ought to play to one’s strengths, and this year is just not the year for me to be seen in a two-piece. I know what some of you are saying – “Oh, go ahead Chuck! Who cares what other people think? Show ’em what ya got!” Yes, yes – it’s very easy to encourage others to engage in brave/foolish behavior, isn’t it? You’re just going to have to trust my judgment on this one. Let me put it this way – you remember in the movie Jaws how everyone ran away screaming from the beach? Well, just call me the Big White.

I would also like to call your attention to the graphic I’ve included here. It came from that e-mail I received today. I should point out that I almost never open such e-mails, but I tend to open ones that include terms like “bikini” in the subject line. It’s just one of those funny words, okay? There are a few things worth noting about this graphic. First of all, that sure ain’t my idea of a bikini top. IMHO, if this is what bikinis have become, then the terrorists have won. I’m talking about American values here, people! Secondly, the improvement rates cited for those seven attributes are simply astounding! I have no direct evidence to either support or contest their findings, but I somehow find myself hearing the words of Mr. Samuel Clemens, who famously stated that “There are lies, damn lies, and statistics!”
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