Chuck (charlesofcamden) wrote,

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Did Everybody Get Fired? – A CharlesOfCamden exclusive report!

I’m beginning to wonder whether I’ve stumbled across a huge story that no media outlet of any political inclination has picked up on – that in fact, everyone in the U.S. has been fired in the past year and is now working at a new job, if at all.

What, you thought it was just you and your friends who’ve been fired lately? No, it’s all of us. Here’s how I found out: When I go on driving trips, I generally don’t take my laptop with me. So if I’m on the road and need to find directions to an establishment, I generally have to call Information and get their phone number so I can call and ask for directions. That’s all well and good, but something intriguing has come to light along the way…

The last half-dozen times I’ve done this, I’ve been told virtually the same thing by the voice on the other end. It goes something like this: “Well, honestly, I just started working here and I’m new to the area, so I don’t really know my way around town.” In most of these cases, there’s been no one else nearby that they could ask for directions, so I’ve had to hang up without my question being answered.

You needn’t point out the obvious – that there are other explanations for this phenomenon. The leading one, of course, is that all phone answering jobs have been secretly outsourced to other countries. To conceal the scandal, these foreigners have (mostly) been taught to speak with convincing American accents. Any location-specific questions, such as asking for directions, are to be dealt with using the sort of evasion I’ve been experiencing.

So what is to be done with this blockbuster of a scandal I’m sitting on? Sure, I could blow the whistle on them – only I have no idea how high up this scandal goes. If I’m fingered as a rat – well, I might never get proper directions again. Or wait a minute… this could be part of a devious plot to induce all of us to buy PDAs and GPS systems for our cars…

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