Chuck (charlesofcamden) wrote,

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New Coffee Size Discovered!

You’re probably as excited as I am about the recent announcement of a new sign of the zodiac, known as Ophiuchus. Okay, it’s not really new exactly, but it’s causing a bit of an uproar in astrological circles as its new status is causing people on the cusp of certain signs to redefine their birth signs. It’s all very technical, but the science behind it seems beyond any debate (he said carefully).

Well, right on the heels of that announcement comes news that a new size of coffee has been discovered! We’re all familiar with the traditional four sizes: Short (8 oz.), Tall (12 oz.), Grande (16 oz.), and Venti (20 oz. for hot drinks, 24 oz. for cold drinks). A press release from SECI (Search for Extraordinary Coffee Institute) reads in part as follows:

…researchers have discovered a new coffee size, which we have named the Moderato. It falls between the Tall and the Grande sizes and contains approximately 13.8 oz. of delicious coffee brewed from carefully selected, mountain-grown beans…

The press release goes on to explain that existing sizes will be adjusted slightly in order to fully accommodate the new size. A Tall drink will be shifted slightly downward, from 12 oz. to 11.5 oz., while the Grande will be shifted upward, from 16 oz. to 17.2 oz. Short and Venti will remain unchanged, but price increases will be instituted across the board in an effort to defray the enormous research costs that went into this exciting discovery.

In other news, the rumor mill is buzzing with reports that a new religion has been discovered that will cause people “on the fence” about their faith to be reclassified into different religions. I’ll let you know if I hear anything more!

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