The news of our impending demise has me seriously bummed out. Here’s why: It’s not so much that the world is ending – as a general concept anyway. I mean, I’ve always figured the world would end sometime. It’s just that the world is ending now – when we’re so close to solving so many great historic problems. Man, if we just had a few more months… Consider all the seemingly intractable problems we’re on the verge of banishing right now:
— After decades – no, make that centuries – no, make that millennia of hatred and warfare, I’m told that the Arab and Jewish worlds are finally on the path to peaceful coexistence.
— The city of Chicago has a new mayor, which means that all traces of corruption have been rooted out of our city government and we’re ready to start anew.
— The Hollywood movie industry, after nearly a decade in the doldrums, is poised to resume making quality films with the impending return of Arnold Schwarzenegger.
— There’s a rumor that on an upcoming episode of “Iron Chef”, the theme ingredient was going to be 5-Hour Energy Drink.
— It looked like the Cleveland Indians were for real this year.
— Jennifer Love Hewitt is single and finally ready for a mature relationship with someone who will treat her with the respect she deserves.
— Muscular dystrophy. No, we’re nowhere near curing the disease, but a related ill is nearing a cure – Jerry Lewis has announced that this year will mark his final appearance hosting the Telethon. So any of you who thought you might enjoy leisurely Labor Days in your golden years without the late summer breeze being sullied by the sound of Jerry croaking out “You’ll Never Walk Alone” – well, you’ve just been cheated out of that sweet dream by the Powers That Be.
— This was the year I was finally going to get all of that junk cleared out from the one side of my dining room.
I’m just scratching the surface here. You may have a few additions to the list of your own. All in all, it’s just terrible timing by the Supreme Being. Though if by some chance we are shown mercy, and the End of the World is cancelled at the last minute… well, as you can see, we’re in for a joyous turn in the fortunes of humanity.