Chuck (charlesofcamden) wrote,

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If I have to choose between the two, I’ll take the treat

I want to share a Halloween song with you today. I didn’t write it, but I wish I had. In fact, before we go any further, allow me to pursue a side tangent here: I’m a snob when it comes to song parodies. There it is. I admit it. I really look down my considerable proboscis at the vast majority of such efforts, and I’ll often sniff inwardly, “I could have done better.” So, now that you’ve been introduced to the insufferable egotist part of my personality, we’ll continue.

I had to learn this song, and several dozen others, when I was a messenger for the Eastern Onion Singing Telegram Company. I delivered over 1,300 singing telegrams in my two and a half years there, but I got to sing this one on the job only once. It’s the Happy Halloween song, and it’s to the tune of “Baby Face” which is an old song, far older than even myself, but which you may know. Anyway, it goes like this:

Halloween, I’ve come to wish you Happy Halloween.
The kids will soak your cat in kerosene,
That’s Halloween,
A night for pumpkin smashing, window soaping, tire slashing,
Halloween, the most perverted holiday I’ve ever seen.
If you don’t have a treat, they’ll terrorize your street
On Happy Halloween

Halloween, you’d better wear a mask on Halloween,
’Cause if you don’t, the neighbor kids will scream,
And in between,
Watch out for peanut brittle, with poison in the middle.
Halloween, if you go out tonight, enjoy the party scene.
But you won’t get too far, they’ve booby-trapped your car,
So Happy Halloween!

You should ideally end this song down on one knee before your recipient, in my opinion.

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